ramblings, rants and raves

New blog

2010-01-22T14:18:00.002-06:00

i've made a new blog. rather than spilling my guts to random strangers, i've tried to make this new one a little more light-hearted. go visit it.

http://khj35.blogspot.com

on life these days

2009-08-02T14:21:00.004-05:00

coming back here after who knows how long of not updating, and reading all my past entries is a little bittersweet. the bitter part should be fairly obvious, but as for the sweet...matt kept telling me that just because sennett said all those hurtful, mean things doesn't mean that what we had wasn't true, that it didn't negate our relationship; looking back on these entries makes me realize that matt wasn't just saying that to make me feel better. i don't know if i'm just speaking for myself, but at least on my end, i did try to give my all and i was genuine about the 8 months i had with sennett, and i realize now that there was nothing else i could have done, and that no matter what, the outcome probably would have been the same.

someone told me that my problem was that i trusted too easily and too much, and that i was too naive when it comes to love. he told me that most people my age are just looking to be in a relationship and have the experience of dating, not to be IN LOVE, like me. i understand why people might draw a line of demarcation there, but for me the two are intertwined, and i can't separate them no matter how hard i try. when i'm in a relationship, i'm in it because i'm in love, not just because i want companionship and an intimate friend i can lean on with all my troubles. this same person told me that perhaps next time i should be more wary and observe the guy for a long time before starting anything with him, to keep a nonchalant mindset, and to play him if i want to know why i keep getting played, so i can see what it's like on the other end of things. i feel stupid now because he was only trying to help me because he cares, but i got so mad at him that i almost stopped talking to him. i mean, i don't blame him too much because it's not as if he knows me very well, but i was appalled at the fact that he would even suggest such a thing to me. after all, i've been on the receiving end of being played, and i know how devastating and disappointing it is; devastating because you trusted that person, and disappointing because he wasn't who you thought he was. i can't imagine inflicting that kind of pain on someone knowingly, ESPECIALLY because i know what it feels like.

i'm just rambling now, so i should go...i need to clean my studio (which is in a perpetual state of disorder) and go shopping for groceries...

3 months

2009-01-15T13:01:00.002-06:00

since neither one of us can remember when we were officially "together," we decided it was some time around fall break when we started having deeper feelings for each other, whether or not we were actually "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" in name. that sounds so cheesy, "deeper feelings"; i feel like i'm writing some cheesy romance novel or something, but that's the way i see it (i have no idea if that's how he would define it). in order to make the date easier to remember, we decided on the 15th of october, and since today is the 15th of january, it's supposed to be the 3 month mark of our relationship.

i've never liked paradoxes because there's too much gray area; i much prefer things black and white because i'm simple like that. but the thing is, i feel like the last 3 months has been a big paradox. it's been the shortest, quickest 3 months of my life; i know this sounds SOOOOO cliche, but i feel like if time keeps passing at this rate, my lifetime will not be enough to spend with this one person. on the other hand, it also seems like the longest 3 months. perhaps it's because we spend so much time together, but i feel so comfortable with him, and so settled in to the groove of our relationship.

as incredible as this may sound, i feel like this is the first time i've felt this comfortable with a boyfriend in this short a period of time. maybe it's because i decided to reveal almost all of my flaws and insecurities early on, hoping that it would make my choice easier at the very beginning (i know it sounds really bad, but at the beginning i was thinking that maybe if i showed him everything, he'd be scared off and i wouldn't have to choose...), but i feel like he probably knows more about the real me, rather than the me i choose to present to others. yet despite knowing the real, flawed, ugly me, he still loves me and wants to stay with me, which i'm so thankful for, and i still feel like i stumbled upon something precious by sheer, dumb luck.

i guess i'm done rambling now. i'm at work and bored, so this post really didn't have too much of a point, i suppose.

"the only way you can write the truth is to assume that what you set down will never be read. not by any other person, and not even by yourself at some later date. otherwise you begin excusing yourself. you must see the writing as emerging like a long scroll of ink from the index finger of your right hand, you must see your left had erasing it."
-margaret atwood, the blind assassin

happy 3 months, bam bam. i love you.

<3

2008-12-09T12:24:00.002-06:00

instead of finding my attention smothering, he thinks it's flattering.
instead of running the other way when my crazy comes out, he deals with it.
instead of hanging out with his friends, who are probably infinitely more fun than i am, he chooses to spend his time with me.
instead of getting annoyed every time i get paranoid and doubt his true feelings for me, he reassures me.
instead of sleeping in his room, in his bed, which is probably more comfortable, he sleeps with me.
instead of dropping me like a hot potato after everything i've done to him, he chooses to stay with me.

do i need any more reasons to explain why i love this guy, and why i really hope this works?
i love him
i love him
i love him

foolish as i may sound, i love him.

행복함

2008-11-24T21:14:00.002-06:00

after almost a month of not updating, i've finally come back from my hiatus.
i've been really happy lately, and thus i haven't felt the need to vent or whine or complain. it's kind of sad to think that i only write when i'm unhappy, but it would be wrong to claim otherwise.
i seem to say this every time, but i really really really hope this is it, that this is what i've been waiting for and wanting all my life...

trends

2008-10-13T19:19:00.000-05:00

i'm starting to notice a trend here...
i only seem to update my blog whenever there are more pressing needs to attend to, instead of regularly updating it.
right now i'm building monitoring in the theatre department and there's a bunch of theatre people making weird "WAHHHHH!" noises. i'm slightly scared. help.

another trend i've noticed is that i seem to be in love with the idea of falling in love. i mean, i also do love the person i think i'm in love with for the time being, but i really do think i place more importance on the idea than the actual person himself, as horrible as that sounds. well, maybe "importance" isn't exactly the right word, but then again i've never been terribly good at articulating myself. i mean, i do genuinely love the people i say i'm in love with, but there's something about falling in love with someone, where you want to be joined at the hip and spend every moment with that person and you obsess over him and wonder what he's doing every moment he's away from you and are willing to drop everything at a moment's notice when it comes to him...
with that being said, i'm finding it really difficult to be in love and stay in love with someone who is halfway around the world, especially when we hardly ever communicate. he says he loves me, and that he's going to try and save up money to come and visit in february, but i'm so afraid that this relationship won't even make it till then...
sometimes i really wonder if there's something inherently wrong with me...why can't i seem to stay with one person for more than a year? everyone else around me seems to be doing it so easily, but i've been bouncing around like a kid with ADHD at chuck e. cheese without his ritalin...i mean, the one thing i want in life is stability and long-term commitment, but how fair of me is it to ask it of my boyfriend(s?) when i can't do it myself?

ugh...all i can think about right now is how my mind keeps going back and forth between him and CJ, and i can't help but think of listing pros and cons. one moment i'm all about recommitting myself to CJ and just forgetting about him, and the next moment i'm wondering why and how CJ factors into my life right now...
i should just be quarantined and not allowed to interact with people, i think...

thoughts. help.

2008-10-08T07:25:00.003-05:00

sometimes, i just want to escape this life
or maybe, i just want to escape myself
i've missed my american voices class for a week
and i can't seem to get back on track...
i'm taking the class pass/fail, which makes me feel a little less guilty about missing so much,
but i think it's an obvious, external sign that i'm falling apart
i always thought it was more beautiful to burn out than fade away
but at this point,
i just want to leave in a glorious, wonderful explosion
glittering in the sky, hanging for an ephemeral second
before disappearing in a puff of smoke

god, why am i so morbid these days?
i really need to get back on track, but i can't find the motivation
someone save me from my slump
or better yet, someone save me from myself?

i just want to escape...

things that greatly reduce my productivity level

2008-09-28T22:09:00.005-05:00

hahahaha
for some reason, i found this hilarious...
lolcatz and cyanide&happiness and perezhilton greatly impede my productivity. not that i'm all that productive to start out with anyway, but still...

speaking of perez, he's recently posted wonder girls' and lee hyori's music videos, and i find it amusing that he's exposing americans to k-pop. i don't know, i wasn't really a huge fan of k-pop, but after being in korea for half a year and being exposed to it every single day, it's kind of grown on me, and a lot of the songs are super-catchy.

my favorite one from this summer is probably "so hot" by the wonder girls...it's all about the lyrics, really...it's very tongue-in-cheek. i can't believe the youngest one is only 15 or something ridiculous like that.

another song that was becoming popular when i was leaving was "d.i.s.c.o" by uhm jung hwa, who was one of the first actress-singers in korea, before it became the norm for celebrities to be actor/model/singer/whatever.
if it sounds familiar, it's because it's the videotone on my phone.
she's not really a good singer (my cousin, who's in the process of auditioning for different labels to become a singer, once commented that you could probably ask an average korean girl off the street to sing the song and she'd probably be able to sing it better than uhm jung hwa), but the outfits are pretty fierce in a weird, retro sort of way ^^

the last video is a song called "walking through memories" by nell from their album "separation anxiety". it makes my throat swell up every time i hear this song, because it's the last song C.J. sang for me when we went to karaoke one of the last days i was in korea. it sounds so corny, but i can't help but think of him whenever i hear this song, and at one point i had it on repeat on my ipod.

i started out originally intending to only post the lolcatz picture, but this ended up being a multimedia post, haha.

hey, even i need to take a break from being the angsty "goddess of melancholia", as peace calls me

loneliness is underrated

2008-09-26T03:13:00.006-05:00

"and after a hundred thousand words had been said, they still did not know what was in the other's heart..."

i don't know about you, but i think loneliness can be a good thing, because when you feel lonely, you're forced to spend time with yourself, whether you like it or not.
this coerced time with yourself more often than not leads to introspection, and you can use this time to sort out your thoughts, prioritize, and explore who you are and what makes you tick...i feel like it also makes you more empathetic, because it's impossible to go through life without feeling lonely at least once, and once you've been through it, you can understand other people's loneliness and relate to them, to a certain extent.

i also think there's something inherently beautiful about loneliness; it's a sad sort of beauty, the kind of beauty you see in ancient ruins of monuments and buildings which were once grand and awe-inspiring, the kind of beauty that constricts your chest if only for a moment, where you feel like your heart might explode from all this feeling...

i'd like to say that i'm not feeling lonely, but then i'd just be lying. i always feel lonely. lonely in the fact that no one will ever get me or see me for the real me. lonely in the fact that nobody has ever really been permanent in my life. lonely in the fact that sometimes, i feel so inconsequential...if i were to disappear, would i have made a mark in people's lives? right now, i'm lonely in that emotionally needy kind of way, but then i don't want to hang out with people. does this make any sense at all?

i feel like i'm just now hitting puberty or something...i'm more angsty than the most emo high schooler; this is ridiculous -_-;;

KP on love...

2008-09-24T01:38:00.002-05:00

"sometimes the ones who love us the most are those who understand us the least"

"sometimes people may love you so much that they don't know how to love you"

hm...food for thought.

sometimes...

2008-09-21T18:59:00.003-05:00

sometimes i feel like my life is spiraling out of my control
and instead of taking a deep breath, and calmly assessing the state of things
i freak out and panic and rush about trying, perhaps in vain, to grab at anything to help me stop the tailspin

when i look back on these moments of personal crisis, i am embarrassed to admit that it is mostly me overreacting and being histrionic,

but really, when i am actually in the moment, i could swear on my life that my life is truly falling apart and that i am in imminent danger of irrevocably losing everything i have...

like right now, for instance; it's only a 6-8 page paper due tomorrow. i know if i stay up all night, i can get it done, but i'm having intermittent minor panic attacks, and being a complete spaz. maybe it's because i'm pmsing. yeah, that's it. i'm gonna blame it on my ovaries and estrogen. haha.

Empathy

2008-09-15T20:02:00.002-05:00

so i haven't written in a while, and it's mostly because i'm lazy and unmotivated. add that to the fact that i haven't really been eating lately, can't sleep, have been incredibly anti-social and can't seem to stop sighing every two minutes, and i think i have good grounds to think that maybe, just maybe, i might be depressed. since i don't want to have a breakdown like i did senior year of high school and sophomore year here, i finally took the initiative to set up an appointment with KP. i met with him last wednesday, and i seriously have nothing but good things to say about him.

i had heard quite a bit about him from peace, but really, i feel like words don't do people justice, no matter how nice they are. i was really nervous about going and talking to him, since i had no idea what i would talk about with him, but when i first walked into his office i couldn't help but feel calmed. i mean, this man just exudes this sense of serenity and calmness, which is something i lack greatly...i feel like i'm always feeling anxious about one thing or another. he was super soft-spoken, and i couldn't help but notice the juxtaposition of our two voices in that small office: mine shrill and frantic and loud, and his very quiet and calm and soothing. somehow, within the first ten minutes or so we hit upon the subject of my parents and i started bawling like a baby when talking to him about my issues with abandonment. he was very good at steering the conversation and prompting me with thoughtful questions, and although i had only met him for the first time ten minutes earlier, i had no problem opening up to him and telling him things that i've only told two other people (peace and matt; probably the only two people who actually read this blog, haha). i had so much to unload on him that by the time we wrapped up it was an hour and 45 minutes after i first came in to see him. i'm meeting with him again every wednesday for about a month or so, and then seeing how it goes from there.

sometimes i can't help but wonder if i might possibly have dysthymia; i certainly seem to fit the bill when reading the description on wikipedia
as much as i hope this isn't the case, it would explain a lot if it were true.

ugh, i should be writing my blog about marx right now, but i have no idea what to write and i just really don't want to do my work...

reading, and a rant, mostly against myself

2008-09-07T18:54:00.003-05:00

"we are always getting ready to live, but never living." -ralph waldo emerson

i can't help but feel this is true, for me, anyway...i feel like i keep making all these plans for myself, and i have all these ambitions for myself, but when it comes down to it, i'm not a very proactive person. i feel like i'm always just going through the motions of life, never fully there because i'm always daydreaming or spacing out, and whatever life throws at me i just end up going along with it. i think i can count off on one hand the few times in my life when i've been proactive about something, and that's pretty sad...

i think part of it (part of it? i mean most of it, if not almost all...) can be blamed on the fact that i'm undeniably an escapist. i think matt pointed it out to me during one of our late night chats when we were both first-years. i was pretty vehemently in denial then, but (i'd like to think) i've become a little more in tune with myself, and i know he's right (he's a perceptive one ^^). i mean, why am i always spacing out or daydreaming? it's because i don't really want to deal with the realities of life, whatever that means, and i like to construct this alternate reality for myself that fits my ideal. also, i love to read; i have a fairly healthy appetite for books, sans the ones i actually have to read for class, unless it's for an english class. in other words, i really enjoy fiction, or memoirs. none of the dry, obtuse poli sci texts for me, thanks. anyway, i think the fact that i love reading is another distinguishing factor which makes it clear i'm an escapist. after all, why do i love to read? it's because during the short moments when i am reading, i become engrossed in the book, and i can look in on others' lives and thoughts and feelings and experiences, and even live another life vicariously (i kind of sound like a voyeur, by the way. haha.), and if that's not a form of escapism, what is?

while i'm on the topic of reading, i find it both a blessing and a curse that i'm surrounded by amazing writers, both alive and dead. it's a blessing, because i love the feeling i get when i'm reading a book or article, and i come across a sequence of words or phrases that describe, somewhat accurately, one of the many thoughts and feelings that form a maelstrom inside my head. it's also a curse, because i start feeling pretty down about the fact that i would never have been able to string together just the right words in just the right order to strike quite the same chord of feeling in the reader, and that's just depressing, especially for someone whose academic life consists of writing writing writing (i feel like i'm always writing, in one way or another). i know it's not the same type of writing, but still...i keep thinking, maybe if i expanded my vocabulary a bit, i might have a better chance at articulating my thoughts and feelings to really convey myself to the reader/listener, but i don't know if that's it. part of me can't help but wonder if maybe you have to be born with this innate talent of knowing how to string together the right words in just the right order to be able to write beautifully, or to be able to evoke the right feelings and emotions in the reader. having awesome diction probably helps, but if there's more to it than that, then it's hopeless for me. i guess i'll just have to be content with my bullshitting skills, where i try to sound like i actually know what i'm talking about, but in reality, i don't.

*sigh*

insomnia

2008-09-05T22:47:00.008-05:00

does distance REALLY make the heart grow fonder?
what happens when you can feel yourself drifting farther and farther away
from the one you love?
every (wo)man is an island...
but i want to be with you
so i'd like to be an archipelago,
like japan or hawaii

i miss you so much my heart hurts
it's going to be almost a month since we saw each other last
it doesn't seem like a long time,
but the time we had was so invaluable and precious
i like photography, so i wish i could have a snapshot of every second, every moment we shared
keep the negatives archived in my memory
when i read the entries you write me,
my heart pounds with excitement
and when i hear your voice,
my heart still beats a little faster, like the first time we kissed.
'i love you.' i could repeat this phrase to you forever.
'i miss you,' i would rather not repeat, because it means i'm separated from you
but regardless,
i love you, and i miss you...

stars

2008-09-05T22:47:00.004-05:00

now that i'm back in minnesota and i'm trying to force myself into readjusting,
i realized that minnesota has one thing (well, besides my friends) that korea didn't have (well, not in seoul, anyway...boy, i really like parentheticals): stars.
i'm not really sure how to explain my obsession with stars...
there's just something about them that's beautiful to me, and when i look up at the huge expanse that is the night sky and see all these stars shining around me (especially in the countryside, on clear nights when you can see the milky way), i can't help but feel small and insignificant, like i'm just a grain of sand on an endless beach
or maybe a grain of sand washed into the ocean and being buffeted around by waves, given how i've been feeling lately...
i think part of it is also a form of narcissism, since my name means "star" in hebrew, and i was also obsessed with a canadian twee band of the same name; i think it was peace who introduced them to me. that's one of the things i love about her; she introduces me to bands and books that i end up loving, so she makes me feel pretty cultured, even if i'm just being a poseur, haha...

but long story short, i really love stars, and i think they're really pretty.

this post was pretty random, but i'm kind of a random person and i'm just writing for myself because there's just something so relaxing and cathartic about writing down all my thoughts and feelings, even if it's just written diarrhea (kind of like verbal diarrhea, but, you know, written..haha -_-)
thank goodness for journals...

ridiculous

2008-09-02T02:06:00.005-05:00

so...i just slept from around 5pm straight up until now...
and now i can't fall back asleep.
why is my sleep schedule so thrown off? :(
i wonder if this is my body's way of telling me that i should be in korea right now, instead of MN
sometimes i wish there was a way for me to fish around in my sub/unconscious
i mean, i always talk about how no one will ever fully get me or understand me,
but at times, i don't know if i get or understand myself.
does that make any sense to anyone else at all? that i'm basically a mystery to even myself?

on a side note, i'm hungry and i have no food in my room :(

lazy...

2008-09-01T14:58:00.004-05:00

it's getting to the point where it's a bit ridiculous; school has only just started and i'm already ready to get out of this place. i can't seem to find motivation to do anything, whether it's actual schoolwork or just cleaning my room...

peace gave me KP's email address, telling me that i should go in and talk to him because i'm really messed up and need help. i know she's right, but i've been putting it off/forgetting about it, but i'm sure that's just my unconscious trying to bury the fact that yes, i am kind of messed up and i do need help. i just have no idea what to say to him in the email ("hi, my name is esther. i'm a really messed up PK and i have major abandonment issues and i struggle with chronic depression" ? how's that for a good first impression? ha.), so i've been putting it off, although i know it's just a lame excuse...

sometimes i just feel so sad and lonely and small knowing that although there are over 6 billion people on this planet, no one will ever truly understand me; it scares me a bit, too.

i don't even know why i started this blog, because i can guarantee you ("you," meaning the nonexistent reader; so in other words, me...i guess i should just title this "soliloquies"; it'd be more apt) no one will read this, but i guess in a way it's nice to have a little space to call my own, especially since i left my journal at home. i'm probably the only person who still writes in a journal in the old-fashioned manner, instead of blogging or writing internet diary entries. there's just something so soothing and cathartic about the physical act of writing everything, every thought and feeling and experience, down in a paper journal. i guess i'll try this out though, and see how it goes...