New blog

i've made a new blog. rather than spilling my guts to random strangers, i've tried to make this new one a little more light-hearted. go visit it.

http://khj35.blogspot.com

on life these days

coming back here after who knows how long of not updating, and reading all my past entries is a little bittersweet. the bitter part should be fairly obvious, but as for the sweet...matt kept telling me that just because sennett said all those hurtful, mean things doesn't mean that what we had wasn't true, that it didn't negate our relationship; looking back on these entries makes me realize that matt wasn't just saying that to make me feel better. i don't know if i'm just speaking for myself, but at least on my end, i did try to give my all and i was genuine about the 8 months i had with sennett, and i realize now that there was nothing else i could have done, and that no matter what, the outcome probably would have been the same.

someone told me that my problem was that i trusted too easily and too much, and that i was too naive when it comes to love. he told me that most people my age are just looking to be in a relationship and have the experience of dating, not to be IN LOVE, like me. i understand why people might draw a line of demarcation there, but for me the two are intertwined, and i can't separate them no matter how hard i try. when i'm in a relationship, i'm in it because i'm in love, not just because i want companionship and an intimate friend i can lean on with all my troubles. this same person told me that perhaps next time i should be more wary and observe the guy for a long time before starting anything with him, to keep a nonchalant mindset, and to play him if i want to know why i keep getting played, so i can see what it's like on the other end of things. i feel stupid now because he was only trying to help me because he cares, but i got so mad at him that i almost stopped talking to him. i mean, i don't blame him too much because it's not as if he knows me very well, but i was appalled at the fact that he would even suggest such a thing to me. after all, i've been on the receiving end of being played, and i know how devastating and disappointing it is; devastating because you trusted that person, and disappointing because he wasn't who you thought he was. i can't imagine inflicting that kind of pain on someone knowingly, ESPECIALLY because i know what it feels like.

i'm just rambling now, so i should go...i need to clean my studio (which is in a perpetual state of disorder) and go shopping for groceries...

3 months

since neither one of us can remember when we were officially "together," we decided it was some time around fall break when we started having deeper feelings for each other, whether or not we were actually "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" in name. that sounds so cheesy, "deeper feelings"; i feel like i'm writing some cheesy romance novel or something, but that's the way i see it (i have no idea if that's how he would define it). in order to make the date easier to remember, we decided on the 15th of october, and since today is the 15th of january, it's supposed to be the 3 month mark of our relationship.

i've never liked paradoxes because there's too much gray area; i much prefer things black and white because i'm simple like that. but the thing is, i feel like the last 3 months has been a big paradox. it's been the shortest, quickest 3 months of my life; i know this sounds SOOOOO cliche, but i feel like if time keeps passing at this rate, my lifetime will not be enough to spend with this one person. on the other hand, it also seems like the longest 3 months. perhaps it's because we spend so much time together, but i feel so comfortable with him, and so settled in to the groove of our relationship.

as incredible as this may sound, i feel like this is the first time i've felt this comfortable with a boyfriend in this short a period of time. maybe it's because i decided to reveal almost all of my flaws and insecurities early on, hoping that it would make my choice easier at the very beginning (i know it sounds really bad, but at the beginning i was thinking that maybe if i showed him everything, he'd be scared off and i wouldn't have to choose...), but i feel like he probably knows more about the real me, rather than the me i choose to present to others. yet despite knowing the real, flawed, ugly me, he still loves me and wants to stay with me, which i'm so thankful for, and i still feel like i stumbled upon something precious by sheer, dumb luck.

i guess i'm done rambling now. i'm at work and bored, so this post really didn't have too much of a point, i suppose.

"the only way you can write the truth is to assume that what you set down will never be read. not by any other person, and not even by yourself at some later date. otherwise you begin excusing yourself. you must see the writing as emerging like a long scroll of ink from the index finger of your right hand, you must see your left had erasing it."
-margaret atwood, the blind assassin


happy 3 months, bam bam. i love you.

<3

instead of finding my attention smothering, he thinks it's flattering.
instead of running the other way when my crazy comes out, he deals with it.
instead of hanging out with his friends, who are probably infinitely more fun than i am, he chooses to spend his time with me.
instead of getting annoyed every time i get paranoid and doubt his true feelings for me, he reassures me.
instead of sleeping in his room, in his bed, which is probably more comfortable, he sleeps with me.
instead of dropping me like a hot potato after everything i've done to him, he chooses to stay with me.

do i need any more reasons to explain why i love this guy, and why i really hope this works?
i love him
i love him
i love him

foolish as i may sound, i love him.

행복함

after almost a month of not updating, i've finally come back from my hiatus.
i've been really happy lately, and thus i haven't felt the need to vent or whine or complain. it's kind of sad to think that i only write when i'm unhappy, but it would be wrong to claim otherwise.
i seem to say this every time, but i really really really hope this is it, that this is what i've been waiting for and wanting all my life...

trends

i'm starting to notice a trend here...
i only seem to update my blog whenever there are more pressing needs to attend to, instead of regularly updating it.
right now i'm building monitoring in the theatre department and there's a bunch of theatre people making weird "WAHHHHH!" noises. i'm slightly scared. help.

another trend i've noticed is that i seem to be in love with the idea of falling in love. i mean, i also do love the person i think i'm in love with for the time being, but i really do think i place more importance on the idea than the actual person himself, as horrible as that sounds. well, maybe "importance" isn't exactly the right word, but then again i've never been terribly good at articulating myself. i mean, i do genuinely love the people i say i'm in love with, but there's something about falling in love with someone, where you want to be joined at the hip and spend every moment with that person and you obsess over him and wonder what he's doing every moment he's away from you and are willing to drop everything at a moment's notice when it comes to him...
with that being said, i'm finding it really difficult to be in love and stay in love with someone who is halfway around the world, especially when we hardly ever communicate. he says he loves me, and that he's going to try and save up money to come and visit in february, but i'm so afraid that this relationship won't even make it till then...
sometimes i really wonder if there's something inherently wrong with me...why can't i seem to stay with one person for more than a year? everyone else around me seems to be doing it so easily, but i've been bouncing around like a kid with ADHD at chuck e. cheese without his ritalin...i mean, the one thing i want in life is stability and long-term commitment, but how fair of me is it to ask it of my boyfriend(s?) when i can't do it myself?

ugh...all i can think about right now is how my mind keeps going back and forth between him and CJ, and i can't help but think of listing pros and cons. one moment i'm all about recommitting myself to CJ and just forgetting about him, and the next moment i'm wondering why and how CJ factors into my life right now...
i should just be quarantined and not allowed to interact with people, i think...

thoughts. help.

sometimes, i just want to escape this life
or maybe, i just want to escape myself
i've missed my american voices class for a week
and i can't seem to get back on track...
i'm taking the class pass/fail, which makes me feel a little less guilty about missing so much,
but i think it's an obvious, external sign that i'm falling apart
i always thought it was more beautiful to burn out than fade away
but at this point,
i just want to leave in a glorious, wonderful explosion
glittering in the sky, hanging for an ephemeral second
before disappearing in a puff of smoke

god, why am i so morbid these days?
i really need to get back on track, but i can't find the motivation
someone save me from my slump
or better yet, someone save me from myself?

i just want to escape...